Sure the songs are at times painfully simplistic and some of the piano pounding makes me cringe from the REALLY old tracks, (happy to report I've since developed a nice touch for accompanying myself and others on the piano) but so much of this material came from before I started burning out and before I developed any kind of obsession of what others thought of me and my work. This playlist is GOLD you guys. I find myself emotional because I'm so proud of that 16-year old girl. I was so confident. And so bold. And so honest. But free of any egotistical interference I hate that as I've gotten older, I've become more closed-off. Like a lot more. To the point where I've needed a therapist to help me re-learn how to process emotions and even express them. To re-learn how to survey my motives and remember I can't be happy without those core pure desires and motives.
A song of mine started playing (actually one from college) that was written out of my emotions sparked from watching entirely too much Grey's Anatomy in a short time period. But I mean. That show can be really powerful and really make you think as ridiculous as it might be 90% of the time. So I wrote this song from the perspective of a regretful woman realizing the error of her ways as she watched her husband lifeless in a coma. Right around this time, I was in a songwriting class. It was set up master-class style, and I wanted to perform this one for the class. Sometimes I look back at this girl I was...this girl that I am...and realize, I've done some brave things in my life. It's a good feeling.
Anyways, I played the song for the class and my instructor, really letting myself get into the emotion of it. When it was over, I don't really remember the reaction of the students. Typically any songwriting issues would be overlooked by most people because vocally it would be huge and ear-catching in some way. But my instructor, Ron Simpson (love him!) stands up to give his spiel and the first thing he says is "Well if there's something that can be said about Amy, it's that she really commits 100%." At the time I just kind of chuckled to myself because he managed to say nothing really about my voice or my songwriting. Except for he did. He said something about my character that I don't think I've ever truly noted as a quality of mine. And in saying that, he DID say something about my voice and my songwriting...because those ARE me, and they ARE my character.
Commitment is a word that terrifies a lot of people. Some commitments aren't as scary, others we run from, but I've seen how abundant life is when my effort is 100% even as opposed to 75%. It's amazing. In music, in fitness, in relationships, in Church service. It's not always possible to give 100% to everything at all times. But we can try. And we can be smart about how we need to prioritize a certain day, week, month, year.
I don't want to be afraid to give. I want to give freely of my heart and my soul like my 16-year old self. 16-year old me was obviously just another obnoxious teenager in a lot of ways, but she also is teaching 27-year old me a lot about life, about who I am, and who I want to be. How cool is that? The past is an interesting thing...and just like the first several songs I wrote, it can be horrifying to recall. But it's there to remind us, to teach us, and to push us to be better.